Be cautious, however, about expanding your search to social media in general. [3] X Research source Make sure to maintain privacy settings on your accounts so that you can pace the amount of information you disclose if you find your father. [4] X Trustworthy Source Child Welfare Information Gateway Online portal managed by the U. S. Children’s Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention Go to source
If your father is the one initiating contact, remember that the decision rests with you, not with him or with your other relatives or friends. You may choose to hold on to his contact information for as long as you want in order to be ready for the encounter.
Recognize that your father might not want to meet you, at least right away. Before you initiate contact, think about what it will be like if he refuses contact. Make a plan to reach out to specific people, such as supportive friends or a social worker, if this happens. Your father might react with surprise, fear, joy, or, most likely, a combination of emotions. Parents often carry significant guilt or even trauma related to children they’ve never met. [9] X Research source Recognize that your father’s reactions are likely to evolve. Make sure that you can talk about your own feelings about his reactions with someone you trust.
It’s more healthy to focus on getting answers to basic questions or filling in gaps in your knowledge about yourself than to dream about finding a perfect father. [10] X Research source
Try not to start an intense emotional relationship right away. A slow start has been shown to lead to better, more stable long-term outcomes. [11] X Trustworthy Source Child Welfare Information Gateway Online portal managed by the U. S. Children’s Bureau providing resources related to childcare and abuse prevention Go to source You might choose to start by exchanging e-mails, messages, or letters before you meet. This can provide a slower, more measured method of beginning to get to know your father.
It’s up to you whether to meet with your father alone or ask someone else to come along. Some state and national governments offer an intermediary service, so that you have have a social worker present to mediate your first meeting. [13] X Research source
For example, you might say: “I seem be the only one in my family who loves math. Do you like math, too? Did I get that from your side of the family?” Make sure to ask any health-related questions that are important for you. This is a good opportunity to find out about any genetic risks you may carry for things like heart disease, diabetes, or cancer. Notice what you share. It’s normal to spend time at this first meeting noticing physical similarities between you and your father. [14] X Research source
If your father wants to think about the future, you might suggest something small but concrete. For example, you could set up a time to get a cup of coffee and talk again in a few weeks.
For example, if you have children of your own, you might wait until you have gotten to know your father better before you introduce them to him. Be clear about what kinds of contact are welcome, and what kinds aren’t. Perhaps you would like him to call before stopping by, even if you happen to live close by to each other. Or perhaps you would rather have a scheduled telephone call instead of a more casual relationship in which it’s ok to call or text anytime.
