Introverts tend to enjoy solitude. They feel “recharged” by being alone. They enjoy hanging out with people, but they usually prefer to do it in small groups and have quiet gatherings rather than big parties. If you feel happy and comfortable on your own, like it’s meeting a need you have, you may be introverted. [2] X Research source Shyness can cause anxiety over interacting with others. Unlike introverts, who enjoy being alone, people who are shy often wish they could interact more with others but feel afraid to do so. [3] X Research source Research has demonstrated that shyness and introverted have a very low correlation – in other words, being shy doesn’t mean you’re introverted, and being introverted doesn’t mean you “hate people. ”[4] X Research source Cheek, J. M. , & Melchior, L. A. (1990). Shyness, self-esteem, and self-consciousness. In H. Leitenberg (Ed. ), Handbook of Social and Evaluation Anxiety (pp. 47-82). New York: Plenum Publishing. You can take a shyness quiz online from Wellesley College to determine how shy you are. [5] X Research source A score of above 49 indicates that you’re very shy, between 34-49 that you’re kind of shy, and below 34 that you’re not very shy. [6] X Research source
Self-consciousness comes from a place of embarrassment and shame. We worry that others are judging us as harshly as we’re judging ourselves for our mistakes and slip-ups. For example, a self-conscious thought might be, “I can’t believe I just said that. I sound like a complete idiot. " This thought judges you and does not offer any help for the future. A self-aware thought might be, “Whoops, I completely blanked on that person’s name! I’ll have to figure out some strategies to remember others’ names better. ” This thought acknowledges that you flubbed something, but doesn’t make it the end of the world. It also acknowledges that you can learn to do things differently in the future.
”Personalization” is a common cognitive distortion, or unhelpful way of thinking that your brain has made a habit. Personalization blames you for things that really aren’t your responsibility. It can make you take everything personally, even when it has nothing to do with you. Learn to challenge personalization by reminding yourself that it isn’t actually all about you. That coworker who didn’t return your friendly wave probably isn’t mad at you; she might not have seen you, or she might be having a hard day, or she might be worried about things that you’re not even aware of. Remembering that every person has a rich internal life of thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires can help remind you that most people are too busy to spend their time scrutinizing you.
”Filtering” is another common cognitive distortion. It happens when you focus only on what went wrong, and ignore anything that went right. This is a natural human tendency. Fight back against filtering by being more mindful of your experiences and actively acknowledging what goes right. You could keep a little notebook with you and write down whenever something positive happens, no matter how minor it may seem to you. You could even keep a Twitter or Instagram account to record these little moments. When you find yourself thinking thoughts that focus on the negative, pull out your list of positive things and remind yourself that you do plenty of things well. And what you aren’t great at right now, you can learn!
Make a list of all the things that make you proud of yourself in some way. Nothing is too “minor” for this list! We often make a habit of minimizing our own talents and accomplishments (another cognitive distortion), assuming that whatever we know isn’t as cool as what everyone else knows. But not everyone knows how to play the ukulele or make perfect scrambled eggs or find the best shopping deals. Whatever you can do, be proud of it.
There are two types of visualization, and you need to use both for the best results. With “outcome visualization,” you imagine yourself achieving your goal. Close your eyes and picture how your next social interaction will be fun and enjoyable. Picture your body language, words, and movements, as well as the positive reactions of other people. Imagine them smiling at you, laughing at your jokes, and being genuinely happy to hang out with you. With “process visualization,” you have to imagine the steps you need to take to achieve your goal. For example, to get to that easy, relaxed social interaction, what did that hypothetical future-you do? Prep a few “small-talk” topics? Pump yourself up with a few positive affirmations beforehand? What actions will increase your likelihood of success? Visualization is essentially mental “rehearsal. ” It allows you to “practice” a situation before you go through with it. You can also identify potential snags and come up with ways to beat them. Visualizing can help you accomplish your goals because it can actually trick your brain into believing you’ve already been successful at them. [12] X Research source
If you’re already good at something, awesome. Add it to your list of things that make you unique. And don’t be afraid to try something else anyway. Learning new skills also helps keep your brain sharp. When your brain is constantly challenged with new information and tasks, it has to become more flexible and adaptable – and that’s excellent for helping you break out of your shell. [14] X Trustworthy Source Association for Psychological Science Nonprofit organization devoted promoting trustworthy research and education in the psychological sciences Go to source Try a class! Whether it’s yoga for beginners or Italian Cooking 101, classes can be a great way to connect with others who are also learning something new to them. You’ll be able to see that everyone makes mistakes along the way to mastery, and you may even bond with people over your newfound passion.
Pushing yourself past your comfort zone means acknowledging that fear and uncertainty exist, and that it’s okay to feel those things. You just can’t let those feelings keep you from exploring the world. If you practice taking risks even when you’re a little afraid, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to continue taking them. [16] X Research source Psychologists have discovered that you actually need a little anxiety to make you more creative. People work harder when they feel slightly unsure of the situation, which leads to better performance, too. [17] X Research source On the other hand, you don’t want to try too much too soon. Too much anxiety, and your brain will simply shut down. So push yourself a little bit at a time, but be patient with yourself. [18] X Research source This doesn’t mean you have to go skydiving if you’re scared of being on a second floor balcony. But whether it’s trying salsa dancing, going hiking, or making your own sushi, promise yourself that you’ll start doing things outside your comfort zone.
Try to speak to just one person at a gathering. It can be overwhelming to go into a situation assuming that you have to “work the room” and interact with everyone, especially if you’ve just started working on coming out of your shell. Instead, plan to speak with just one person. That’s totally do-able! And when you’ve done it, you can add it to your mental “success shelf. ”[20] X Research source Look for other people who might be shy. You’re not the only person in the world who has trouble coming out of your shell! The next time you’re at a gathering, look around for someone else who looks uncomfortable or is standing off in a corner. Go over and introduce yourself. It could be that you’re the inspiration they need to come out of their shell a little bit too. [21] X Research source
Recasting setbacks or challenges as learning experiences can also help keep you from viewing them (or yourself) as a “failure. ” When we wrongly think of ourselves as failures, we’re unmotivated to keep trying, because what’s the point? Instead, look for what you can learn from every situation, even the ones that were uncomfortable or didn’t go the way you’d hoped. For example, you might try introducing yourself to someone at a party, but he isn’t interested in talking to you and turns away. This sucks, but guess what? It isn’t a failure; it’s not really a mistake, either, since you had the strength and courage to put yourself out there. You may be able to learn some things from the experience too, such as observing signs that someone isn’t interested in having a conversation at that moment and realizing that the way other people act is not your fault. When you’re feeling embarrassed by something, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Maybe you’ve asked someone how his girlfriend is doing when everyone else knew she dumped him weeks ago. Maybe you’ve found yourself talking too much about your childhood obsession with ferrets. All of that is okay – we’ve all done it. The important thing is that you get knocked down, but you get up again. Don’t let one social mistake keep you from trying in the future.
If you’re shy, you may be used to hunching over a book or your cell phone, but this may make people think you’re too busy to talk to them. You can be approachable and look engaged even if you’re shy. Even if you’re not saying a lot, nodding, making eye contact, smiling at the right times, and generally looking like you’re enjoying yourself are all signs of being an “active listener. ”[24] X Research source Active listening helps people feel like you’re interested and involved in the conversation. If you just hang back and stare at the floor, people might forget that you’re there. Try repeating a few key ideas from a conversation as the basis for your own contribution. This not only shows you’re listening, it helps other people feel acknowledged. For example, if you’ve been listening to someone talk about her trip to India, you could say something like “That sounds amazing! I’ve never been to India, but I did go to Indiana once. ” If talking about yourself seems too hard at the moment, this can be a tactic you can use until you comfortable sharing yourself a little more.
Obviously, it’s harder for shy people to just open up and start talking about themselves. This is a good way to start. Open-ended questions invite the other person to share something about themselves, instead of a “yes” or “no” answer. Some examples of open-ended questions include “Where did you find that awesome t-shirt?” or “What’s your favorite book and why?” or “Where’s the best place to get coffee around here?”
You can even start sharing a bit by saying, “Me too,” or “I know exactly what you mean. One time I. . . " when people relate their experiences. Even sharing silly anecdotes or small details can get you ready to come out of your shell more. As people give you positive affirmation for what you say, you’ll be more likely to keep opening up. You don’t have to be the first person to share something slightly person. Wait for a few other people to open up first. Though talking about yourself incessantly is obviously rude, it can also be seen as rude to be completely closed off. If a person is sharing a lot with you, and all you say is “Uh-huh. . . " then the person may be hurt that you’re not comfortable with sharing something yourself. Even a “Me too!” helps others feel more involved with you.
Understanding group dynamics is a must, too; does the group of people have a ton of inside jokes and have more difficulty accepting outsiders, or are the people up for anything? This can help you figure out how much to put yourself out there. If someone is smiling and walking slowly like she has no place to go, then yeah, she’d rather talk to you than someone who is sweating bullets, furiously scrolling through his text messages, or walking a mile a minute.
If you’re too busy worrying about everything you’ve said or will say, then you’ll be less likely to pay attention or to make a meaningful contribution to the conversation. If you’re distracted or nervous, other people will be able to tell. If you notice yourself getting really distracted or worried about the conversation while you’re having it, then count your in and out breaths to yourself until you’ve counted to 10 or 20 (without losing the thread of the conversation, of course!). This should make you more aware of the moment and less obsessed over the other details.
The next time someone asks you to do something, ask yourself if you’re just saying no out of fear or laziness, and not for a legitimate reason. If it’s fear keeping you in, say “no” to the fear and go out! You don’t have to say yes to going to the “bug lover’s” club of the random girl in your homeroom or to absolutely everything you’re asked to do. Just make a goal of saying yes more often. You can do that.
Sure, that ‘ol fear of rejection may be creeping up again. People may say no, but that’ll be because they’re busy, most likely. Plus, if you invite people to stuff, then they’ll be more likely to invite you to do stuff.
That is, don’t be frustrated if you can’t get yourself to start dancing on tables and charming everyone in sight. You may not want that anyway.
Though you may be set on making your social calendar more packed, always remember to plug in some “me time,” even if it feels inconvenient.
Finding your people will help you feel more comfortable with yourself, gain confidence, and to come out of your shell in the long run. What could be better than that?
The more you make being out of your element a habit, the less you’ll worry the next time it happens. Just take a deep breath, tell yourself it’s not the end of the world, and find a way to make conversation – or just to look like you’re having a good time.
