You might find it easier to come out to your friends before telling your family. However, keep in mind that you’re in charge. If you’d feel more comfortable telling your parents first, then that’s the path you should take. Keep in mind people don’t always meet your expectations, and you can’t control anyone’s reaction. Don’t get discouraged if someone you tell doesn’t react the way you expected. Sometimes, people are shocked or upset at first, then become more accepting after they’ve had time to absorb the news.
For instance, you wouldn’t want to want to deliver the news when your friend has a basketball game in 10 minutes or is running late for work. You don’t have to make a big deal about it. Just ask your friend to hang out, and say that there’s something you want to tell them.
While it’s a big moment, it’s not like your confessing to a crime or informing your friend that you have a life-threatening sickness. You’re sharing something with someone you trust. This is a good, friendship-affirming thing, so do your best to keep your tone positive.
Your friend might not have any questions, or they might say that they’re not surprised. Don’t worry if the conversation is a little awkward, or if they don’t know what to say. Just give your friend the time they need to take in the news.
Say, “It’s such a relief that you’ve been so accepting. I’m still anxious about telling other people, and I’m hoping you might be able to give me a pep talk now and then. Knowing that I’m not alone in this would really make me feel better about telling people. ” Unfortunately, you might not get the support you expected when you come out to friends and family. If someone needs more time to process what you’ve said, or if their reaction is negative, don’t get discouraged. There are other people who can give you the support you deserve.
If you’re legally a minor or still depend on your parents, it might be best to put off coming out if you think they’d stop supporting you. If you feel compelled to tell your parents regardless of the outcome, make arrangements to stay with a supportive friend or relative just in case. If you’re not ready to tell your parents, make sure your friends understand that your family doesn’t know, and ask them to respect your privacy.
If your parents have expressed positive views of the LGBTQ+ community, have supported other people coming out, and are generally open-minded, then there’s a good chance they’ll be supportive. Keep in mind that, while your parents may be accepting or have LGBTQ+ friends, they might still react strongly when you tell them.
Ask yourself if they might withdraw their support, stop paying your school tuition, or kick you out of the house. While keeping it to yourself might be tough, you shouldn’t come out to them if your well-being is at risk.
If you decide to come out to your parents but are worried they’ll get upset, ask a supportive loved one if you can stay with them in the event things with your parents turn sour.
Make sure the emotional climate at home is stable. If your parents are fighting or if you’ve just gotten grounded, you might want to wait for things to settle.
Take a deep breath and keep your cool. Even if you’re worried that they’ll react negatively, your parents might surprise you and thank you for being honest. Do your best to stay positive, and tell them, “I’m gay,” or “I’m bisexual,” in simple, matter-of-fact terms.
Try saying, “I get that this is a lot to take in, and you have a right to have strong feelings. But this is who I am, and I’m happy with it. This isn’t a bad thing, so please don’t be angry or blame yourself. This doesn’t have anything to do with you or your parenting. ” Assure them that you’re happy and healthy, and that life poses challenges for everyone, regardless of their orientation or gender identity. Remind them that, in general, people are becoming more accepting of other lifestyles. If your country or local government has non-discrimination or same-sex marriage laws, tell your parents about them.
While you wait for them to process your news, make sure you feel safe. The environment may feel a little tense and uncomfortable, but as long as you’re safe, you can remain at home. While you give your parents time to process this information, lean on your friends. Spending more time with your support network can help you get through a rough patch with your parents.
For example, suggest that they check out the website of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) at www. pflag. org.
Of course, it’s fine if you think it’d be less stressful for your parents to tell other family members. You’re in charge, so take the steps that make you most comfortable.
Coming out to yourself can be tough, but it’s an important first step. Tell yourself, “I’m gay,” “I’m bisexual,” “I’m transgender,” or “I’m questioning right now, and that’s okay. I have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed. ” Reminding yourself that you’re not alone can help. Try reading books or online articles about other people’s coming out journeys.
You may have friends who came out years ago, but that doesn’t mean you need to follow their timelines. What’s right for them isn’t necessarily what’s right for you. Coming out can lift a heavy weight off of your shoulders, and it can help you feel closer to supportive loved ones. However, it can be risky. You shouldn’t feel like coming out is your only choice, especially if you don’t feel safe doing so. [14] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
For example, suppose you tell your friend that you think you’re bisexual, and they say, “Well I’m sure you’re really gay, but you’re more comfortable saying ‘bi’ for now. ” No one knows you better than you and, even if your friend is right, no one can force you to adopt one label or another. An LGBTQ+ friend might tell you that you need to tell everyone in your life your specific orientation or gender label in order to be your authentic self. No one, whether they’re homophobic or LGBTQ+, has the right to dictate another person’s sexual orientation or gender identity. [16] X Research source Being gay, bi, or queer is only part of your identity, just as a straight person isn’t purely defined by their sexual orientation. You don’t need to change who you are to fit anyone’s standards or stereotypes.
You could say, “I saw a story on the news about same-sex marriage. What are your thoughts on it?” Before you come out to someone, think about how accepting they are of other people. Do they have a loved one who’s openly LGBTQ+, and do they treat that loved one with love, support, and respect? Do they make offensive jokes or disparaging comments? If you have a trusted friend who’s a member of the LGBTQ+ community, they might be the best person to tell first. They’ve been in your shoes, and there’s a lower risk that they’ll react negatively.
Before coming out to someone, ask yourself if they tend to gossip. Have they ever broken your trust in the past? Do they tell you about other people’s secrets?
For example, you might write, “I’ve wanted to tell you that I’m gay for a little while now, but I’ve been so scared. I think part of me has known most of my life, but I’ve never really accepted it until recently. ” Be sure not to give your loved one the letter at school, work, or a crowded place. You could ask them to read it in private, or you could hand them the letter and ask them to read it in your presence. It might be easier to get the conversation going if you put everything you want to say in writing. Writing a letter could be a good method if you’re worried about coming out to your parents.
It’s perfectly fine if you don’t feel safe coming out at work or school. You might have straight or LGBTQ+ friends who try to convince you to come out in all areas of your life. Remind them that you know what’s best for you.
If homophobia and bullying at school or work are commonplace, or if being LGBTQ+ is illegal in your country, it’s not your responsibility to come out and try to change society. People do need to learn how to treat others with dignity and respect, but that doesn’t mean you need to put your safety at risk. [23] X Research source
Additionally gauge the climate at work. Do people make offensive jokes? How close are you with your coworkers? If you have any openly LGBTQ+ coworkers, you could ask them for advice. If you feel compelled to live openly at work, you don’t need to pull everyone aside and come out to them individually. Without making a big announcement or speech, you could simply bring your partner or a date to a work event.
While you get to decide how and when you come out, your close friends and relatives will appreciate it if you tell them one-on-one before posting on social media.
If you don’t have many LGBTQ+ friends, see if there’s a local organization or other outlet that connects members of the LGBTQ+ community. You might have an alliance or club at work or school.
Don’t let them lower your self-esteem. You can’t control what other people do, think, or say, but you can control your reaction. Love and respect yourself no matter what anyone says. When you’re upset or frustrated, vent to a supportive friend. If someone is genuinely misinformed and has your best interests at heart, they might be receptive to a rational conversation. You could try to tell them what it’s like to walk in your shoes.
