“How’re you feeling?” “Hey, is something bothering you lately?” “You seem upset. What’s going on?” “I’m here to listen if you want someone to talk to. " Try to get her to open up and talk about the issue with you, focusing on what’s going on for her, as opposed to what you’ve done wrong. [2] X Expert Source Raffi Bilek, LCSW-CLicensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
“I know that this must feel terrible right now. I’m so sorry. " “I can’t imagine how you feel. I know this can’t be easy. " “I’m sorry that you’re upset. Please let me know if I can do anything to make it better. ”
“I am so sad to hear that your mom is sick. " “I know you really deserved that promotion. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. " “She was a great friend, and I’m upset she’s moving away too. “[3] X Research source
“This must be really hard for you. " “I wish I had an answer or solution. Just know that I’m here for you no matter what. " “What do you think comes next?” “How do you want to handle this?"[4] X Research source If you’re the cause of the problem, do not try to explain yourself right now. Let her vent and open up first. [5] X Expert Source Raffi Bilek, LCSW-CLicensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
“I know you really wanted that job. I would be really let down in your shoes. " “You absolutely have a right to be sad; I would be too. " “I know you’re angry and upset right now. I understand, and it sucks. “[6] X Research source
“Let it out. You know that, however terrible, these feelings will pass. " “Let’s remember the good moments together. Remember when. . . " “This sucks right now, I know. But I will be here for you until things feel better. "
“You were too good for that job anyway. They’re not even worth your time. " Clearly, since she’s upset, she thinks it was worth her time. “I know exactly how you feel. " Everyone’s problems are unique – you don’t know exactly how she feels, and she’ll sense it. “You’re so strong – you’ll be fine. " Sometimes people need some time not to be strong. Don’t make her feel like she can’t be vulnerable unless she looks “weak. " “I know this is terrible. Did I tell you about the time I. . . . . . " This isn’t about your past problems, so don’t try and change the subject.
“You were too good for that job anyway. They’re not even worth your time. " Clearly, since she’s upset, she thinks it was worth her time. “I know exactly how you feel. " Everyone’s problems are unique – you don’t know exactly how she feels, and she’ll sense it. “You’re so strong – you’ll be fine. " Sometimes people need some time not to be strong. Don’t make her feel like she can’t be vulnerable unless she looks “weak. " “I know this is terrible. Did I tell you about the time I. . . . . . " This isn’t about your past problems, so don’t try and change the subject.
Only leave her alone if she tells you to. Even if she seems angry or upset, stay with her until she has calmed down.
Holding hands is a great stress reliever. This simple act increases a sense of trust and security and lowers cortisol (“stress hormone”) levels.
Hugs provide a sense of security. We are wired to find touch reassuring. [12] X Research source
Set up a private picnic for the two of you. Treat her to an afternoon massage at the spa. Go see a new comedy movie. Take her for a walk.
