Use prodding questions. Start out with larger, more general topics, and work your way down to more specific revelations. You might start by asking your girlfriend how her day was, then ask about an incident that was unpleasant or a happy moment at work. Once your girlfriend starts to talk about the specifics of her day, you can try applying the things she says to other conversations you’ve had. For example, you might ask, “That’s happened before, hasn’t it?” or “Wow, I can’t believe that happened after _____ told you something different last week. " Ask your girlfriend how she feels about the events she describes. Let her know you care, and offer her your support.
Use a natural conversational tone. If your partner interprets your rephrasing as mocking, the conversation can go bad very quickly. Try to limit your use of rephrasing. If done too often it can be distracting or irritating. Put your girlfriend’s words into your own words when you rephrase them. This shows that you’re processing everything she says, and not simply repeating it word for word. You might try using a transitional phrase to begin your rephrasing. For example, try saying something like, “So what you’re saying is. . . " or “I think I understand where you’re coming from. You’re saying ________. Is that right?”
If your girlfriend crosses her arms, she may be feeling defensive, distant, or emotionally closed off from you. Avoiding eye contact may indicate a lack of interest in what you’re saying, shame over something that was said or done, or feeling distracted or uncommunicative. Turning the body away during a conversation may suggest that your partner feels disinterested, frustrated, or emotionally closed off. A loud, aggressive tone might indicate that the conversation has escalated or is about to escalate, and emotions are running high. Your girlfriend may also feel that you’re not hearing her or understanding her. Some body language positions are incidental, so don’t “accuse” your girlfriend of secretly being upset or closed off. Ask in a caring way by saying something like, “I noticed your body language seems to suggest that you’re upset, but your words are contradicting that. Is something on your mind?”
Open, honest communication is the foundation of a strong relationship. If you cannot be open and honest with one another, you will inevitably encounter problems down the line. Tell your girlfriend the full truth. Don’t hold back or withhold your feelings, because she may be upset if she finds out about it. If you’re struggling with being open, let your partner know about the problem and try to explain the reasons why. If she knows you struggle with it, she can be extra supportive, and may learn to ask you prompting questions or request elaborations.
Think carefully about what it is you want to say before you speak. Be aware of what you’re feeling when you talk to your girlfriend. Speak as clearly and directly as possible. If you’re responding to something your partner said, give her a second to make sure she’s finished talking. Then take a brief second to process what she’s said and think about how to best articulate your response.
Take responsibility for what you say and do during a conversation, even if it escalates to an argument. You should both fully express your thoughts and feelings, but you need to do so respectfully. Validate your partner’s feelings. Try to understand why your girlfriend feels the way she does, and at the very least respect the fact that she feels that way. [10] X Research source Convey a respectful posture. Don’t slouch, avoid eye contact, or do other tasks while listening to your girlfriend. Face her and give her your full attention. Be respectful in any responses you give. Don’t interrupt your girlfriend, and never say that she’s wrong to feel a certain way. If there’s any kind of misunderstanding between you, don’t get mad or upset. Instead, you should calmly ask questions and try to get your girlfriend to clarify what she means.
A statement of emotion (“I feel _____”) A fair and unemotional description of the behavior causing you to feel the way you feel (“I feel _____ when you ______”) An explanation of why the behavior or conditions at hand cause you to feel the way you do (“I feel ____ when you _____, because it _________”)
Don’t rush into deep, troubling, or difficult conversations. Let them come naturally when you’re both ready to talk about such things. Don’t rush your partner, and don’t let her rush you. Go by what you are both comfortable with, and know that any effort at improving communication will help strengthen your relationship.
I am a person who _____. One thing I wish people knew about me is _______. When I try to express intimate feelings, _____________.
Try being expressive. Let your partner know how you feel, and ask her how she feels. Use task- or fact-oriented communication. Some people are more comfortable conveying facts instead of emotions, like saying, “I feel like I’m not making enough money at my job” instead of saying, “I’m sad and I’m worried about my finances. " Be assertive. Assertive communication involves the clear and direct communication of your feelings, opinions, and needs, without infringing on the rights of your partner. Avoid passive communication. This communication style involves a failure to assert yourself or express your thoughts/feelings/needs, and can be very damaging to the relationship. [16] X Research source Minimize emotion before talking about important things. Take a few minutes to calm down before discussing anything significant so that your emotions do not direct the conversation, but make sure you do acknowledge the way you and your partner feel. [17] X Research source
Small talk about your day-to-day lives helps you and your girlfriend get closer and know each other more intimately. Ask your girlfriend to elaborate and give more details. Make sure that your follow-up questions convey a genuine interest in what your girlfriend says and do not come across as suspicious or distrustful.
If having a rigid schedule helps you both maintain your day-to-day lives, try scheduling alone time. Set aside some alone time at least once every week to keep a healthy, open line of communication. Try to limit interruptions when you’re talking with your girlfriend. Turn off the TV or radio, and silence/put away your cellphones so you won’t be distracted. Talk to one another while doing day-to-day activities, like while driving in the car or doing chores around the house. Notice when your girlfriend acts troubled or otherwise seems to have something she wants to talk about. Ask if something is wrong, or if there’s anything she’d like to talk about. Make sure your conversations convey commitment, trust, and intimacy from both of you. [20] X Trustworthy Source EDIS Electronic database of the University of Florida Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences’s peer-reviewed articles Go to source
A licensed couples therapist can help you and your girlfriend find ways to be more open and communicative. You may also work on being more honest, taking more of an interest in one another’s lives, and finding more time to spend alone together. You can find therapists in your area by looking through the phone book, using a search engine online, or by consulting a therapy-based index like Psychology Today has on their website. [22] X Research source
