Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Stay calm and polite no matter how they react. Narcissists are more likely to see assertive people as superiors rather than equals (and give them more attention). Assertiveness is the antidote to a narcissist’s warped superiority. They view other people as less important, competent, valuable, skilled, or special. [2] X Expert Source Liana Georgoulis, PsyDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
Say things like “If you want me to do that, here are my terms” or “I’ve already told you what I’m willing to do. It’s up to you to work around that. ” The narcissist will probably be upset that you’re setting boundaries with them. That’s OK—it’s not your job to control how they feel. [5] X Research source Show you won’t accept verbally abusive behavior by hanging up the phone or leaving the room when they lash out.
“I understand how you feel, but we need to sort this out now. ” “I see why you feel that way, which is why I want to talk to you about this. ” “That’s a good idea that I’m willing to try, but that’s not what we need to discuss now. ”
Don’t take a narcissist’s insults personally. They do it to feel better about themselves and because they’re deeply insecure. [8] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Humor is a great way to turn an insult from a narcissist around. A quip about their behavior that makes them chuckle makes them temporarily adjust. [9] X Research source
Speak as little as possible—you have a better chance of getting through to the narcissist with short, direct sentences. To end a confrontation quickly, distract the narcissist by mentioning a topic they’re interested in or putting on a movie or TV they like to divert their attention.
Don’t yell or threaten them back and put physical distance between you if you feel unsafe. You can resume your discussion another time. Narcissists will use anything they know about you to insult you. During a rage, they might take jabs at your biggest fears and insecurities.
State what’s happening without adding judgment, like “You seem to be acting aggressively right now” or “There’s no reason to yell. ” Tell them they’re acting like a narcissist (without calling them one). Give simple “yes” or “no” answers to their questions and try not to directly agree or disagree with them (say things like, “I can see that point of view”).
When the narcissist realizes that you (and anyone else watching) knows that they’re lying to prop themselves up, they’ll be humiliated. It might feel mean to do this, but remember this isn’t about your morals. It’s about letting a narcissist know that they can’t beat reality.
Try stroking the narcissist’s ego and tell them how appreciative everyone will be of them once the narcissist does what they said they’d do.
They’ll try to make themselves a “victim” of your “cruel” refusal to help them. Ignore them and calmly continue to say “no. ” It’s better to say no to something right away than to agree and then backpedal. They’ll use that as an excuse to attack your character or morals.
“Do you really think that’s the most straightforward idea?” “What exactly do you mean by that?” “Are you asking me to help you, or are you demanding that I help you?”
Be polite but very direct. For example, you could say, “Great job on that report for the Board meeting yesterday. Next time, it’d be great if you got it to me earlier so I could review it. Thanks for all your hard work!” You might need proof to justify your criticism. They can’t deny killing your favorite monstera when you’re holding the dead plant right in front of them. [19] X Research source
Make time for yourself to enjoy your life outside of your relationship with the narcissist. It’s not your responsibility to change them or deal with their behavior. If you’re overwhelmed by a narcissist and your normal support network can’t help, a therapist or counselor can offer guidance on how best to work through it.
