“Elise, I notice that we seem to be butting heads a lot when we meet as a group for our school project. Can we sit down and talk about our different views and see if we can find a way to collaborate so that this project gets done?” “Paul, it would be great to have the opportunity to talk about how we communicate with each other. Would you be able to find time this afternoon to sit down and have this conversation?”
Say what you need to say, but try not to blame the other person. Keep in mind it might not be all their fault. [4] X Research source For example, “I was upset when you gave a presentation to our boss and didn’t mention the contributions I made,” instead of “You never give me recognition for any of my work. ”
Don’t throw insults or call names and stay away from inflammatory comments. [6] X Research source This is a sure-fire way to guarantee that your point is not heard or respected. Maintaining as much professionalism as possible during a confrontation will lead to a more positive outcome.
To show that you are actively listening, look the other person in the eye while they’re speaking. Use open posture, nod on occasion, and mirror the speaker’s body language. Don’t interrupt or talk over them. This is true for every type of conversation but is especially important in a tricky social interaction like a confrontation. Try to be emotionally non-threatening. [8] X Research source Stick to the facts that support your side of the confrontation and don’t allow emotions to get involved.
The best way to handle a defensive person is to listen to them. While you may not agree with the point they are making, you should give them the chance to speak their mind. Try to avoid arguing. It is easy to argue with someone who is getting defensive; however, it is undoubtedly unproductive. Try your best to keep a calm and collected demeanor instead. Letting the other person know that you’re listening to what they have to say might help them not become overly defensive. [10] X Expert Source Tracy Carver, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.
Keep in mind that your opinion matters, and being able to speak honestly is worth engaging in an uncomfortable social interaction. [11] X Research source
It is important to identify the REAL issue that is inciting this confrontation. People tend to project emotions or moods onto other people or other situations. Before you decide to confront someone, take the time to parse out what the issue is that you want to approach and why you feel like a face-to-face confrontation is the best way to go about resolving this issue.
Separate problems from emotions. [14] X Research source For example, are you upset because your coworker forgot to turn in a report and caused you an extra 6 hours of work on a Friday evening? Or are you upset because you got stuck with extra work that you won’t get credit for? Don’t bring up any issues or vendettas from the past. Past actions or feelings that are not directly related to the issue at hand have no place in your confrontation. Don’t start to throw in other frustrations that you’ve kept bottled up.
“I heard from one of our colleagues that you told our boss I didn’t put in my fair share of work on the project. ” (What you heard) “I feel like I worked really hard and I’m really confused as to why you said this. ” (Why you want to talk about it) “I’m hurt that you would say this to a superior behind my back. ” (How it made you feel)
Rehearsing the main points that you want to make during your confrontation can make you feel more comfortable and prepared for the actual confrontation event. Start by rehearsing alone in a room while looking in a mirror. If you have someone that you trust, you may want to practice in front of them as well. Try to memorize your main points. This will be much more effective than reading from a piece of paper during your confrontation. Don’t write out everything you want to say word-for-word. If it’s too scripted, your words won’t flow naturally while you’re talking, and the other person is more likely to become defensive. [16] X Expert Source Tracy Carver, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.
Determine if you still feel anger toward the person or about the issue you want to discuss. If you still feel anger, it is likely not the best time to have a constructive confrontation. Postpone your confrontation until your anger subsides and you can have a rational, factual, and emotion-free conversation. [17] X Research source The angrier you are, the more likely that your conversation will turn into an argument. Take a few minutes to calm yourself—like by breathing deeply or listening to music—before the conversation. That will help you regulate your emotions, including anger. [18] X Expert Source Tracy Carver, PhDLicensed Psychologist Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.
Confrontation can release you from the burden or tension of a situation. [19] X Research source If there is something that has been weighing on your mind, confronting the issue head-on is a great way to relieve yourself from this unnecessary stressor. Confrontation encourages honesty in a relationship. You learn more about yourself than you would otherwise, and you gain the confidence to express the way you honestly feel. [20] X Research source In addition to encouraging honesty in a relationship, confrontation usually strengthens a relationship. [21] X Research source
Deciding the outcome that you want from your confrontation can help you move the conversation productively. [23] X Research source
If you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, or intentionally undermining you, it may be worthwhile to confront the person. If you are worried about confronting the person in private due to fear of the issue escalating, you may want to contact your human resources (HR) department and explain the issue to them. When confronting a co-worker, it is especially critical to be armed with facts. These facts should support your side of the issue you want to discuss. For example, you might mention specific days that your colleague came to work late or particular presentations that you feel he or she did not contribute sufficiently to.
Assess the unique situation. If you feel unsafe confronting someone on your own, you might need to bring a trusted friend with you or have the confrontation in a public place. Put your own (and others’) safety first.
Because each situation and each individual is different, it is important to determine if confrontation is the right way to handle things on a case-by-case basis.
