Who was your childhood hero? Why do you think you admired them so much? What’s been the most exciting part of your day lately? Why? What goals do you have for our relationship? Ask a long list of questions one by one while you hold hands or cuddle on the couch. Asking is obviously not enough. You must truly listen to their answers and engage in the conversation.
When you keep your walls up, it can create distance in your relationship.
Imagine that your partner shares something upsetting. They might say: “I want to be honest with you. I feel like you don’t make time for me anymore. ” Alarm bells may go off, and you may feel a little angry (I constantly make time for them!). Instead of snapping, calm down, take a breath, and reflect: “I’ve been trying to make time, but I’ve also been busy. Maybe that’s why they’re feeling alone, even though I am putting in a ton of effort. " Now that you’ve reframed the situation, respond with kindness and open up a dialogue: “I’m sorry, I don’t want you to feel that way. Let’s talk about it. "
Ask thoughtful questions in response to your partner: “Wow, he said that? How were you feeling then?” When you (or your partner) open up only to feel like you’re shouting into the void, you’ll be less likely to share deeply in the future. This can easily create distance. Work on your listening skills if you need to. Techiques like reflective listening will let your partner to feel truly heard and listened to, and will be very helpful during an argument.
Offer them an act of service: “You had to cover two extra briefs at work? Gosh, you must be tired. How about you go upstairs to rest and I’ll handle dinner?” Offer them empathy and an ear: “I’m so sorry that Nylah is in the hospital. That’s awful. I feel terrible for you. Let me know whenever you need to talk, okay?” This applies to good things, too. Say your partner finally got your son to eat veggies: “You’re a superhero! I’m getting a treat to celebrate. What do you want?”
When plates continue to fill up and there’s always a new issue to handle, it may feel too easy to let your relationship fall by the wayside. It’s okay to let things slide sometimes, but don’t treat intimacy like an afterthought. Staying connected takes work, and it’ll definitely benefit your relationship.
Say your partner forgets to take out the trash, even though you asked. You could think the worst (“They obviously don’t care about me”). Or, you could choose to see the best in them: “I know they struggle with this stuff, but they still love me!” Then, when your partner is sweet, thoughtful, or does something successfully, don’t let that slide. Take a moment to think about how much you care: “Wow. They never cease to amaze me. My partner is such an incredible person!”
Small romantic gestures can make a huge difference in a relationship! The key to success is to know what your partner actually sees as romantic. Write them a letter of thanks if you know they love words of affirmation: “Saw you did the dishes. Thanks, love. I appreciate it :)” If you have kids, involve them! Make your partner a nice breakfast, then have your little ones bring it to them in bed. When you show you’re grateful, your partner be more likely to return the favor. Then, you’ll have a relationship filled with joy, kindness, and a deep connection!
Say your partner forgets your anniversary. Instead of jumping to a harsh conclusion (“I can’t be with someone who’d forget that”), think it through. Can I fix this? Do I want to fix this? “I know they love me and struggle with this stuff. It’s worth it to stick with this. I’ll express my feelings, then try to forgive. " This, no doubt, can be difficult to do. But trust that if you two can bring this flexibility to your relationship, you’ll both be rewarded with more intimacy. This advice does not extend to abusive relationships. You deserve to feel safe. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, leave immediately and speak to a trusted resource.
Surprise your partner. Cook them their favorite meal, recite a silly poem for them, or offer to switch household chores for the day. Start new activities together regularly. Try book club, dancing classes, a language course, or join a couple’s improv group. Change up your scenery. Plan weekends away together, even if it’s just to your neighboring town. You could even surprise your partner! Can this be hard to pull off? Yes, especially if you’re raising a family. But trust that it’s worth it! If you put in work here, you two could seriously improve your bond.
Talk through your needs. How often do you want to get intimate? What do you two need to do to feel satisfied? Prioritize physical intimacy. Plan sexy date nights, try to connect regularly, and don’t always leave it to your partner to initiate things. Make one another’s dreams come true. Is your partner’s perfect night full of cuddling and back massages? Give them this experience!
It’s so great that you’ve landed on this article and you’re looking to create a deeper connection in your partnership. You yourself have so much power to change your relationship for the better! At the same time though, you two should be sharing this load equally. For convenient professional help online, try out BetterHelp.
